15 Years

I’ve been doing some reflecting on where my path began lately and realized that this year marks 15 years since I began a journey of self discovery through Paganism. I’ve written before, I think, about how my path began when I read The Odyssey for the first time in my junior high school library. It was a crackly, blue, hardcover book that the librarian told me hadn’t been checked out since she had been working there.

I checked it out several more times that school year and sought it out the next year to find that it had been swept away with the other unpopular books. I moved on to reading everything I could find about the ancient Gods and was overjoyed whenever my Ancient History class touched on the subject.

I didn’t know then that I’d been on this path now. I didn’t even know the term Pagan or that it was an available path to follow.

All I knew was that the God of The Bible was not the only to receive love and honor. I had tried to give Him my love and I had tried to receive His, but I never felt Him. There was never a connection.

I searched endlessly for that connection until I was 18, spending my days and evenings wandering the shelves in the local Borders bookstore day after day reading (but not buying…) their books on Greek Mythology, when I discovered the metaphysical section and learned that people worshiped, loved, and honored these Gods and others like Them.

I took a chance and began talking to Them like I had tried to talk to the God of The Bible. I spoke, I wrote, I thought, and I began meditating for the first time. And I waited.

At the time I was an avid writer and was working tirelessly on a comic book script. My time spent searching for the presence of these new-old Gods was focused on finding Apollo. So when the first signs came to me I knew it must be Him. I grasped firmly to that idea for a year, wondering why I didn’t feel fulfilled in that aspect of my spirituality.

Then He came to me. Bold and strong. Dark and awe inspiring. My loosely Christian upbringing led me to interpret His signs as those of Hades. Dark, smoldering, with a “pitchfork” of sorts in His hand. His patience was endless as I tried convincing myself of who He was, but He wasn’t.

While Hades lent me His council on many things during this time as I gave Him praise Poseidon sat closely by my side, whispering truths. And when I finally welcomed Him in my heart, He left a place for Hades that would be filled by His Lady Persephone in the next couple of years.

Throughout that time I sought council and learned lessons from the Gods – some Greek, some Egyptian, some Norse. There are still whispers from some, God or otherwise I’m not sure, that I haven’t yet clarified. I’ve met guides and spirits in passing and welcomed my One, Sunrise, into my life.

My depression still sometimes interferes with my ability to connect to the Gods and to nature (and to myself and the people around me, for that matter), but along with my daughter, the Gods help me to work through it and continue on this path.

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30 Days of Devotion: Days 21 – 24

Day 21:  music that reminds you of the Deity

Right around the time I met Poseidon I had just taken interest in the band  Dead Can Dance. I played their album Aion at the first ritual I held for Him.

Day 22: a piece of writing that reminds you of the Deity

The Odyssey will always be the first piece of writing that comes to mind when I think of Poseidon. It’s the piece of writing that led me down a path of discovering my own spirituality and finding religion on my own terms and it was the piece of writing that opened my eyes to the possibility that the signs I was receiving weren’t as they seemed. That they weren’t from Apollo as I thought  (and, at the time, hoped), but from Poseidon.

Day 23: your own composition for the Deity

“Am I Whole ?”

I’m standing barefoot in a green meadow. I’m wearing nothing but a breezy, white, cotton dress.

Bright bulbs of light hover just above the ground in blues and purples, scattered about like flowers.

The sky is dark and starless.

There is no moon above me.

I take a step and the ground ripples like water.

The world shifts and the air becomes thick. The feeling you get when you wake up after sleeping too long.

I walk across the meadow on my toes.

Tears fill the corners of my eyes.

It starts to rain. Full, warm drops.

Two people stand in the distance and I’m filled with love.

I run to them. A joyous race to them, almost as though I’m flying.

Finally I reach them. One, a woman, strong and confident, embraces me like a sister.

I turn to the other. A man.

He, too, is strong and confident.

More than the woman.

I hesitate to approach him.

I know him, yet he’s so unfamiliar. Colder. Cruel.

She urges me forward, but as I draw near, he steps away.

I sit down in the grassy lake. Bobbing up and down as the grass tickles my bare skin.

I sit facing him as he draws back into the distance.

The woman stands beside me, a patient hand on my shoulder.

But she’s looking down. Not to the dark horizon.

I sink steadily into the grassy lake.

The blades caressing my skin.

This familiar touch, expected from the man now gone.

I come to lay rest on a bed made of fog.

The sun is my blanket, warm and kind.

The man returns in my dreams. His desire renewed. His touch familiar.

The woman and I are one.

Intertwined with the man returned.

Am I whole?

Dany 24: a time that this Deity has helped you

This sits on the very furthest reaches of my faith. I have never really been the type to believe in miracles or any such thing. For that reason I don’t talk about this much. I believe that Poseidon helped me to get pregnant. It happened under less than convenient circumstances and, had I been able to, I would have chosen a different father for my daughter. I’ll hold off on further details because I don’t think I’m even entirely sure of them. But I feel in my heart that He played some role in the birth of my daughter.