Recovering from a Spiritual Fall

Since about September I’ve been on a journey that I always seem to find myself on. Like I’ve taken the fork in the road back around to where I just was.

The best way I can describe a Spiritual Fall is when you let Ego, in one way or another, blind you from the direction you had set your intention to go. A lot of times you hear or read about people whose egos became inflated; they get full of themselves or ahead of themselves and find that life has put a pin right where they couldn’t see they needed it.

In my case, my ego has a tendency to deflate before it ever reaches its ideal capacity. Unfortunately for me, this latest deflation happened somewhere along my path to Priestesshood. The fall has been something like falling down a dark, sound proof shaft and every once in a while gurgled voices and static come through.

Recently I visited an old blog that I desperately wish I could somehow merge with this one. I was reminded of my first experiences on my Priestess walk and my invitation into Persephone’s chamber. I reached a level of awareness and appreciation that I didn’t know could be reached.

Recovering from my spiritual fall is proving to be difficult and awakening, as you might expect. Persephone is encouraging me with Her patience but still keeping me on my toes with Her silence.

Poseidon still appears to be contemplating where He would like to fit in in this particular scenario, as He was when it first began. I get the impression that the formality of Priestesshood isn’t something He had considered before Persephone entered O/our life. Though I imagine W/we will find unity in the end.

Currently I feel like I’m making my way back through the paces of my early studies in Paganism. I’m back to Tarot basics and reconnecting with my sacred tools and symbols. I’m thinking heavily on my beliefs and my views of the Gods.

The true challenge of this recovery isn’t so much getting back on track, but learning to stay there and continue moving forward.

Chakra Divination

An Instagram user by the name of @shufflingfate has created a journal prompt challenge to inspire others to seek guidance in balancing their chakras through divination (#chakradivchallenge). I saw this as a long sought opportunity to let go of fear and doubt and return to the Tarot.

The first prompt in the series is titled “Find balance by…” and, to complete the statement, I have interpreted my reading to suggest that I can find balance by reclaiming my true Self from the space Within where I have hidden it as protection from my toxic environment.

As a Pagan in a close minded, superstitious, and mostly-traditionalist black family with Abrahamic beliefs, I’ve spent almost a decade keeping the two worlds separate. Naturally that meant that when I moved back in with my family 2 years ago while pregnant with my daughter, I had to put aside the religious and spiritual relationships I had built with myself and the Gods.

Separating yourself from your Self makes it impossible (generally) to find balance. How can a scale be balanced if an entire side is missing?

The Star – healing, hope, intuition

5 of Wands – arguments, petty conflict (given the nature of the reading and the surrounding cards, my first interpretation was conflict between “egos”)

7 of Swords – deception, theft, recovery of something lost or taken

Tiamet – Tiamet, the primordial Mesopotamian Goddess of the Ocean; “you are stronger than you think”; crossroads


Decks Used

The Gilded Tarot (aka The Easy Tarot); art by Ciro Marchetti

Oracle of the Dragongae; Lucy Cavendish

Struggling

My depression and anxiety have been alarmingly bad lately. I’m struggling to connect with my daughter, my self, and my Gods.

I’m so far from my usual self, let alone the person I’m working so hard to become. It’s frightening. For the past 2 weeks I’ve made no strong effort to seek guidance from Poseidon or Persephone.

As I’m writing this I’m hoping it’s not an effect of separating from the bond I had been developing with Hekate, but I don’t think she’s spiteful in this way.

Today, moments ago actually, I reached out to Persephone. I saw a shower of flowers in the cave like dwelling where I visit her and was overcome by tears. It was so strong and sudden that I immediately pulled out of the meditation.

Why do I not feel like I’m ready for this experience? Is it some deep rooted healing? Am I in such bad shape that she would be so forceful in her cleansing?

I fear I may be and I fear I may not be able to handle such a healing at this time, no matter how much I may be in need of it.

((Somewhat of a ranting blurb, but I felt the need to share this.))

A Clash of Wills

I’ve spent most of the last year working on cleansing my chakra system, beginning with the commonly known 7 chakras. I was quite disappointed to realize that my root chakra was far more damaged than I had previously thought (and I was expecting some serious damage, mind you).

Poseidon and Persephone guided me along the way, teaching me lessons of patience, self love, and trust in myself. With Hekate now added to the fray, I took the time to turn to her through a tarot reading and my if that didn’t stir up some conflict.

guilded tarot and dragonfae oracle

The reading itself was very straightforward. It wasn’t until I got to the Oracle cards at the end that there was a problem. I drew one for each of the Gods in my Family, Poseidon, Persephone  and Hekate.

Persephone was level headed and to the point ands usual, but Poseidon and Hekate had messages that seemed almost agressive. Nothing like the interaction I have with Them One on one.

Not only did Hekate demand of me something that We both know I’m not ready to do, She demanded that I dive into it immediately and at full strength.

Poseidon rarely has the need to assert Himself in my life. He is my Always. And he rarely has to take in the role of Protecter. But He did both of these things with a single card draw. 

After some thought and reflection I thought it best to go to Poseidon through meditation and request clarity from Him. As I expected, He felt pushed aside when I turned to Hekate specifically for the overall reading. He felt like the Oracle cards I drew for Him and Persephone were afterthoughts. That’s a wrong that I cannot hold on to and I will have to work to write it.

More than that, He feels that Hekate is overstepping Her bounds and over staying Her welcome as a Figure in my life.

He hasn’t spoken, yet, as to whether He will make me choose between Them or not and this is a first for me in general. Poseidon and Persephone have worked well and closely over the years. Hekate is new in my life, as I’ve said, and has been a wealth of guidance and wisdom throughout recent issues.

I don’t usually like to break the wall and ask anyone reading questions, but I’d love to hear from and any other polytheist out there if you’ve had a similar incident with Deities clashing.