Struggling

My depression and anxiety have been alarmingly bad lately. I’m struggling to connect with my daughter, my self, and my Gods.

I’m so far from my usual self, let alone the person I’m working so hard to become. It’s frightening. For the past 2 weeks I’ve made no strong effort to seek guidance from Poseidon or Persephone.

As I’m writing this I’m hoping it’s not an effect of separating from the bond I had been developing with Hekate, but I don’t think she’s spiteful in this way.

Today, moments ago actually, I reached out to Persephone. I saw a shower of flowers in the cave like dwelling where I visit her and was overcome by tears. It was so strong and sudden that I immediately pulled out of the meditation.

Why do I not feel like I’m ready for this experience? Is it some deep rooted healing? Am I in such bad shape that she would be so forceful in her cleansing?

I fear I may be and I fear I may not be able to handle such a healing at this time, no matter how much I may be in need of it.

((Somewhat of a ranting blurb, but I felt the need to share this.))

Self Discovery Through Journaling

Journaling used to be something I did when I was down. I journaled regularly from around 7 or 8 years old all the way through life. Mostly it was text. Pages and pages (and pages…seriously I wrote a lot in one sitting) of emotional text. I would write and it would sit on the page and fester.

They say there’s no wrong way to journal but, for me, that was the wrong way. I spilled everything onto the page without processing my feelings.

When Hekate entered my life this year She set me on a journey to find the right way. First with bullet journaling. I learned to organize all the things in my head without being too restricting. Tasks, events (what few I may have), journaling, and the endless supply of random ideas I have. All in one place.

I became comfortable with the my junk drawer of a mind and fell into an easy step with my bullet journal. Hekate led me by the hand (tugging at me a little to keep up…because She’ll do that) to the point in my journey where I now rest comfortably: traveler’s notebooks.

The method is simple -small notebook “inserts” placed into a simple cover via elastic bands- and the system of bullet journaling can still be applied. I tackled the DIY lifestyle and made my own notebook cover and inserts (after much trial and error even still). My traveler’s notebook has become more than “the thing I journal in”. It’s a companion, a friend, and assistant. 

Like a horcrux, but without the murder and the evil. A piece of me lives in it.

I’m finding that this is increasingly more true as I move forward with this style of journaling. At this stop on the journey, Hekate has shown me that journaling does not need to be frantic words that I spill onto the page without thought. It can be a tool for discovering myself not only later, but as Im journaling. It can be artistic. Visual. Interactive.

Ah, yes. Art journaling is where I have found myself from following behind Hekate’s billowing cloak.

I have never considered myself an artistic person. I used to cringe at the sight of any doodle, sketch, or handcrafted artwork of mine, be it traditional or digital. Now I look at my journal pages with watercolors and collages and I’m inspired and grateful to have discovered this ability, this piece of myself that I had never met before.

I find myself needing fewer words to express my thoughts and emotions. I react to my thoughts as I place them on each page and record them in turn. I draw conclusions and find solutions without brewing over my frustrations for days on end.

And at this stop, Hekate has gotten off the journey. Perhaps only for the time being.

Poseidon never made me choose but I’ve come to understand that I did so anyway. I didn’t put Him in a position to have to ask me to choose. Now Hekate lurks around the edges, patient, perhaps, for me to call on Her again.

I feel the openness of the space that W/we had made for H/her and I know that now W/we have to fill it back in. My pace has faltered from losing this Friend. This Guide. This Wise Woman who showed me my own hands and let me see their beauty.

I feel no malice from Her, but I know that if and when the time comes that I return to Her, it better be bearing gifts and marks of progress.

Minotaur Moon

The 14th was a full moon, a Super Moon at that, and my did it’s magic have things in store for me.

I’m not yet ready to share the details on this blog, but I was graced with a long coming awakening that has rejuvenated me like nothing else has.

In my last post, I talked about the conflict between Poseidon and Hekate and I believe this was a direct result of my fears of choosing between Them. I was shown that despite the differences in how They choose to work with me, Their combines energies are awe strikingly powerful.

Hekate pulled back the shadows surrounding my secrets and painlessly dragged them from me and into the light. Poseidon washed away as much of the trauma from them as was due at this time. The impact on me has been not just spiritual, but physical as well.

In Reiki, we learn that a deep healing of past traumas can result in physical symptoms and I’m experiencing this firsthand for the first time.

I feel so blessed to have received the gift of this healing despite the wrongdoing I made to Poseidon. As atonement I’ve named the November full moon for Him with the name Minotaur Moon.

It’s a moon of breaking down walls and revealing the inner mysteries without hesitation.

I keep using the word “blessed” lately but I can’t describe in any other way. I feel so blessed that with each passing day I feel my relationships with the Gods growing. I’m truly experiencing the results of my piety.

A Clash of Wills

I’ve spent most of the last year working on cleansing my chakra system, beginning with the commonly known 7 chakras. I was quite disappointed to realize that my root chakra was far more damaged than I had previously thought (and I was expecting some serious damage, mind you).

Poseidon and Persephone guided me along the way, teaching me lessons of patience, self love, and trust in myself. With Hekate now added to the fray, I took the time to turn to her through a tarot reading and my if that didn’t stir up some conflict.

guilded tarot and dragonfae oracle

The reading itself was very straightforward. It wasn’t until I got to the Oracle cards at the end that there was a problem. I drew one for each of the Gods in my Family, Poseidon, Persephone  and Hekate.

Persephone was level headed and to the point ands usual, but Poseidon and Hekate had messages that seemed almost agressive. Nothing like the interaction I have with Them One on one.

Not only did Hekate demand of me something that We both know I’m not ready to do, She demanded that I dive into it immediately and at full strength.

Poseidon rarely has the need to assert Himself in my life. He is my Always. And he rarely has to take in the role of Protecter. But He did both of these things with a single card draw. 

After some thought and reflection I thought it best to go to Poseidon through meditation and request clarity from Him. As I expected, He felt pushed aside when I turned to Hekate specifically for the overall reading. He felt like the Oracle cards I drew for Him and Persephone were afterthoughts. That’s a wrong that I cannot hold on to and I will have to work to write it.

More than that, He feels that Hekate is overstepping Her bounds and over staying Her welcome as a Figure in my life.

He hasn’t spoken, yet, as to whether He will make me choose between Them or not and this is a first for me in general. Poseidon and Persephone have worked well and closely over the years. Hekate is new in my life, as I’ve said, and has been a wealth of guidance and wisdom throughout recent issues.

I don’t usually like to break the wall and ask anyone reading questions, but I’d love to hear from and any other polytheist out there if you’ve had a similar incident with Deities clashing.

Hello, October

October is nearly here so, naturally, I’ve been setting up my bullet journal planner to get prepared.

As a stay-at-home, non-working mom of a 1 year old, I don’t have a lot on my schedule. My bullet journal helps me stay on top of day to day tasks when my depression makes things difficult. But I’ve also added something new for next month. I’ll be keeping track of the Hallowdays  (holidays, holy days) that I try to observe monthly.

New Moon

This month is exciting because we’re getting two new moons this month; the second new moon in a month is sometimes referred to as a Black Moon and it falls on Halloween, aka Samhain.

With Hekate being a new presence in my life I know that it’s important to both of U/us that She be included in my workings this month, but I’m having trouble deciding when. I typically do Underworld workings with Persephone for Samhain. But with the Black Moon falling on the same night, I feel like it may be more appropriate to work with Hekate.

Feast of Guardian Spirits

I have a few spirit guides and helpers that have been with me for a very long time, one of which has become a sister spirit to me over the years. This time of year, when the veil that energetically separates our realms is thinnest, I like to take the time to celebrate our relationships.

This day also happens to land on Pagan Pride Day where I live, so I’ve decided to make a day of it and do some merry making.

Thesmophorus

This marks the beginning of a 5 day women’s celebration of the different aspects of childhood and motherhood. It honors Aphrodisiac, Persephone, and Demeter. In ancient times, this was said to be a pilgrimage during which women traveled to the temples of each Goddess. Feasting, fasting, mourning, and celebration took place on different days.

This is my first year celebrating this event. I’ve considered it for a couple of years but for different reasons I never have. This year, I think it’s time that I follow through.

Great Horn Festival

This takes place on the 18th. This festival has always spoken to me and I’m not sure why. It really got nailed in to that sensitive part of my brain when I read the Mists of Avalon for the first time. I usually mark it by rereading that book over a few days. Hopefully I’ll find time to do it again this year.

Zetesis & Heureris begins

This is an Egyptian festival from October 26 through November 2 and marks the search for and recover of Osiris by Isis. 

I wrote this on my calendar not because I typically observe it, but because it’s an event and myth I’d like to learn more about. I figure, what better time than during its observance.

Samhain

We all know Samhain to be the time when the veil is at its thinnest and the spirits of the other realms join us on this plane ar invite us to join them on theirs.

As I mentioned, I’m not sure what I’m going to do this year with Hekate now in my life. She has so much to teach me and I may just take time to meditate and be in her presence.

A Purposeful Endeavor

I started this blog a bit hastily in an attempt to thwart my mercurial habits when it comes to writing projects. I planned to somehow blend polytheism and parenting and I likely would have slowly added more things to the list until the focus of this blog was far beyond lost.

It’s 3:33 am and like a fossil pulled up through the tar pits I found a combination of things that I’d truly like to focus on, religious devotion and planning from a Pagan perspective. I’m well aware that Hekate is not the only Goddess (or God) with an affinity for organization, but She is the Goddess whom has chosen to to beat me with the “organization stick” until I get a hold of it. 

Persephone asks little aside from motherhood, but I do know that She would like me to lead a more pious life than I do now. How I’ll do that in my present situation, I’m not entirely sure.

Poseidon, the drifter that He often can be, asks the most of me but in the simplest ways. Change. Grow. Adapt. Be vigilant in your daring. Be open. Show respect. Love. Be free. And, perhaps, be pious; W/we haven’t settled on the last just yet.

As this blog is a part of my Work, I think it’s best and appropriate to take it from an approach that serves all of the Gods/esses presently in my life.

Hello, September

​They say that, in Southern California, the seasons don’t really change – we have Summer with a few frantic moments of desperate rain and frustrated wind. Over the years I’ve found that underneath the smoldering heat and blaring city life the subtleties of the Year Wheel are alive and well.

Fall, it seems, is the easiest season to detect by most – that is, without looking at the calendar. The end of the regular TV season typically marks the beginning of Summer, but there’s an “otherness” that tells us Fall is coming (and, no, it’s not pumpkin spice anything).

This year I find that Fall is making haste despite the present weather. That visceral pull brought on by something in the air started weeks ago – and August is hardly a normal time to think about Fall unless you’re praying to the Gods to put an end to the swelter.

Hekate put an end to the mystery and dropped me into a pit with a million more. Along with her came bullet journaling and a blog endeavor.

I think it’s safe to say that any Witch,  or other Pagan, who knows a bit is familiar with Hekate to some degree and I’m no different there, but I never thought of her much. She would cross my mind here and there, mostly when I read the versions of Persephone’s core myth that includes Her. 

I spent a week or so with that feeling of “something’s coming” until a Facebook friend posted an image of a newly acquired Hekate statue and I fell into the depths of Her gaze. She took what I was mulling over as a potential hobby to acquire (and most likely discard right after) and turned it into Work. It was immediately followed by a list of other tasks including this blog.

So here I am. Typing out a post on my phone while my daughter sleeps beside me. I didn’t think that at 27 and with a just-turned-one year old I’d be embarking on another new relationship with a deity. Poseidon and Persephone have led me on a self paced journey over the last few years that eventually led me, shockingly, to motherhood. Now, with Hekate’s guidance, I expect that this new adventure will be one of “getting my shit together”. Much less self paced and much more structured.

My life is full of abandoned projects and dreams left unfulfilled. So many aspects of my life have led to disappointments and not always through some fault of my own. So I will open my heart and spirit to Her and we will journey together for whatever time. Along the way this blog will capture snippets of my various Workings for the Gods, however they may evolve given Hekate’s influence.

Goddess Hekate, bearer of torches, Lady at the crossroads, and keeper of all secrets that lay in shadows. I pray to thee and bow. By your torchlight I will walk your roads between worlds and become master of my own home. I will be humble. I will be silent. I will be disciplined.