Christmas: a miracle of understanding

As a Pagan in a, generally, Christian household I’ve had to accept that there are certain things I can’t do, certain things I have to tolerate, and certainly things I have to here.

This Christmas weekend was one of those moments where I could not tolerate the comments.

My mother has consistently held a belief that much of what I do is wrong or evil. Tarot reading, Reiki, spellcrafting, meditation. She has even scoffed at my food choices and my choices of nonviolence. If you can believe it, she even consistently ridicules me for refusing to accept racist stereotypes. All because I am Pagan.

On Christmas weekend she was going on about a man who came in to her office at work. He had a cross tattoo on his forehead and she immediately labeled him a Satan worshipper.

All of my attempts to explain that he may not have been such and that, even if he were, it may not even be by the definition that she applies to the term were dismissed by her talking over me and insisting that she knew better than I.

She went on to say that Pagans and Heathens were all devil worshippers and that the names originated from backwoods devil worshippers.

I tried telling her that she was misinformed and that she was misinformed and her definition was incorrect, to which she replied that it wasn’t her definition, etc.

I’m rambling on here because I’m remeber how tense and frustrating of a situation it was. For me, discussions like that with my mom have led to verbal and emotional abuse including getting put out of the house.

Eventually we both fortified our positions with silence and tried to move on.

Apparently she took that time to research her statements, hoping to prove me wrong. Instead, she came back to the kitchen with an apology.

My mother is not one admit being wrong but, in light of recent events here in the USA, I think she’s trying harder to be tolerant of things that are different from her beliefs.

I was so shocked by her apology and her admission of being wrong. I was moved (as far as I could be by her) by her bravery and maturity in handling the situation and correcting her comments.

I don’t know how long she will hold on to this information before she turns a judging eye back to anyone who doesn’t have the same faith as she. For now I will accept what she’s given and try to expand my understanding of why she so easily believes the worst of me.

Self Discovery Through Journaling

Journaling used to be something I did when I was down. I journaled regularly from around 7 or 8 years old all the way through life. Mostly it was text. Pages and pages (and pages…seriously I wrote a lot in one sitting) of emotional text. I would write and it would sit on the page and fester.

They say there’s no wrong way to journal but, for me, that was the wrong way. I spilled everything onto the page without processing my feelings.

When Hekate entered my life this year She set me on a journey to find the right way. First with bullet journaling. I learned to organize all the things in my head without being too restricting. Tasks, events (what few I may have), journaling, and the endless supply of random ideas I have. All in one place.

I became comfortable with the my junk drawer of a mind and fell into an easy step with my bullet journal. Hekate led me by the hand (tugging at me a little to keep up…because She’ll do that) to the point in my journey where I now rest comfortably: traveler’s notebooks.

The method is simple -small notebook “inserts” placed into a simple cover via elastic bands- and the system of bullet journaling can still be applied. I tackled the DIY lifestyle and made my own notebook cover and inserts (after much trial and error even still). My traveler’s notebook has become more than “the thing I journal in”. It’s a companion, a friend, and assistant. 

Like a horcrux, but without the murder and the evil. A piece of me lives in it.

I’m finding that this is increasingly more true as I move forward with this style of journaling. At this stop on the journey, Hekate has shown me that journaling does not need to be frantic words that I spill onto the page without thought. It can be a tool for discovering myself not only later, but as Im journaling. It can be artistic. Visual. Interactive.

Ah, yes. Art journaling is where I have found myself from following behind Hekate’s billowing cloak.

I have never considered myself an artistic person. I used to cringe at the sight of any doodle, sketch, or handcrafted artwork of mine, be it traditional or digital. Now I look at my journal pages with watercolors and collages and I’m inspired and grateful to have discovered this ability, this piece of myself that I had never met before.

I find myself needing fewer words to express my thoughts and emotions. I react to my thoughts as I place them on each page and record them in turn. I draw conclusions and find solutions without brewing over my frustrations for days on end.

And at this stop, Hekate has gotten off the journey. Perhaps only for the time being.

Poseidon never made me choose but I’ve come to understand that I did so anyway. I didn’t put Him in a position to have to ask me to choose. Now Hekate lurks around the edges, patient, perhaps, for me to call on Her again.

I feel the openness of the space that W/we had made for H/her and I know that now W/we have to fill it back in. My pace has faltered from losing this Friend. This Guide. This Wise Woman who showed me my own hands and let me see their beauty.

I feel no malice from Her, but I know that if and when the time comes that I return to Her, it better be bearing gifts and marks of progress.

Replanting Roots

I’m embarrassed to say that the only reason I haven’t posted in almost a month is because I couldn’t decide what to write about. But a recent milestone in my healing journey has sparked me with inspiration.

I’ve been on a healing journey since 2011 and, for the first couple of years, it was mostly a journey of physical healing. Last year, my path turned deeper inward and I began a course of healing my deeper self by way of the chakras.

Only this month did I receive a message that my Work in Muladhara, the Root Chakra, was complete and I could continue on to Svadhisthana, the Sacral Chakra. I say “complete” in terms of my current Work. I feel that there are always lessons to be learned from the energies within and around us.

My Work in Muladhara was rewarding, but extremely difficult. Many times I found myself alone in the dark with overwhelming revelations about my past, but I cannot express enough the importance of finding out the source of the actions and habits that you are looking to release.

The best way that I can describe the situation with my chakras is that they’re in knots. While I may be able to begin healing in Svadhisthana now, I will no doubt be returning to Muladhara before I complete this journey.